“So why is it so difficult?” – the doctor said. I replied: “well, it id like thinking the same thing all over again till the very next second you'll forget it and start over with a new thought which seems to be brilliant the same way. let me tell you the story of my old friend, Becca. She was one of my best friends when I was a teenager. She was a rebel. Her hair straight black, short to the shoulders, straight fringe right on top of the eyebrows, green strong eyes, slim pink lips and very curved body. She looked like Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction, drugs included. Now she was at that time no one. all of a sudden, a couple of years later, she becomes someone. And she takes advantage of the notoriety she gained over the years. She finally has the job of her dreams, the love of her life, a solid social life. Becca she wakes up every morning, she opens her eyes and she fights even if she has already reached the top. She keeps fighting with every muscle of her body because she demands to be the one. So every day, she sits at the desk of her room, she opens her red agenda and checks for the appointments for the day. She brings the rolled cigarette at her mouth and start thinking about it and only stops at the end of the day. That's what she's alive for. that's what she's finally qualified for. That's all she has to do for the rest of her life. Such a sweet ending. So clear. Needle after needle, all she has to do is to screw some jewellery on someone's body. A bit butchery and Halloween-theme-queen-blood-here-and-there but hell, if it works for her! Now Doc, to answer your question: “so why is it so difficult?”, I can only tell you what I do and perhaps it'll clear your mind. I do an exercise; I close my eyes, I breathe in (they say it's really important) and then I breathe out. As soon as my breath stops I open my eyes and there I am fighting my will muscle after muscle, sat at the same desk, opening my red agenda. Now every time I do this exercise something must go wrong. It must be. Because instead of having that something, that special unique thing or skill, my brain starts playing bungee jumping in the world of hobbies and possible jobs. So there's the version of me who desperately wants to model, the one who wants to become a writer, the travel blogger, the beauty therapist, the singer, the one who wants to learn a new impossible language, for God's sake. Bear in mind, they're no easy things, They all must be so incredibly unique and challenging. There's too much of me and what I want to become in all of those things that sometimes is just too hard to focus on one thing and get it done. It's too much, it's heavy. When I start one of those things, so let's say I start getting focused on my singing skills, after a while, a bird starts whistling at my ear, suggesting it's about time I should practice Russian or write a novel. So I close my agenda, leaving all my good purposes of a productive day behind and come back to the astonishing view outside my window. I've never felt so alive though. So true, so flesh and bones. Inner peace is something spiritual, something I do not get to experience. You see Doc, there's a chemical difference. It's like having a running hamster inside your brain constantly. It never stops. It never stops thinking about what could be next. Such a shame any of those things have never been accomplished. That is the difficulty, that is the limit.”
-On ADHD.